Re-Visit

I didn’t really intend on writing tonight. For an intentional person, this is unusual. But writing, and blogging, as much as I want to do it on the regular, seems to occur at special times when my heart and soul need it the most.

I was inspired by a friend who e-mailed, quite randomly, a list of her fears and dreams. For some reason, her vulnerability spoke to me. I wrote one (my first fear) an shot it right back to her. A couple of minutes (it seemed only like a couple of seconds) later I had all ten – five fears, and five dreams. I had no idea these things were so close to my heart, and yet I feel like they’ve always been there.

There have been so many realizations during this past year (almost one year has gone by!) of grad school. So many conversations (sometimes seems like too many) of humility, of peacemaking and compassion, of learning self-care and how to hold onto hope. I feel like my favorite carbonated beverage being shaken, stirred, and pushed PUSHED PUSHED to perform, to get it all out. Honestly? I hope that since I started the program I have learned something of humility, something of hope. Practically? My selfishness has often turned gifts of sensitivity and awareness into self-consciousness and self-censorship. I’m not super happy about that, but if I’ve learned anything in this past year, it’s to own who I am.

And so, here we go. At one point earlier, I decided to write of fears. Now, we will speak of dreams.

Dream 1: To sing and dance – freely, unconsciously
Dream 2: To speak freely without paralysis that I might offend someone
Dream 3: To live hopefully, knowing God makes me whole, not therapy
Dream 4: To live and even thrive in mess – in my own room, in my own life, and in others’ lives
Dream 5: To challenge fears, naming them as compared to Scripture, destroying their power

P.S. I initially thought the picture above didn’t really have anything to do with this post…until I realized that it has to do a lot with freedom – feeling free in the desert, free to take pictures, freedom to enjoy God’s creation.

Expanding Horizons

Yesterday a very good friend of mine asked me if I could take engagement pictures for her and her new fiancee. I was a little taken aback. I have always been a lover of the images and the visual, but  earlier in the day I had just answered the question ‘so do you still take photos?’ with a no, not really anymore. So what exactly is it that my friend wants or is looking for in asking me to capture these special, let alone sacred, moments in their beautiful relationship?

In the middle of this school year, one of our professors asked us to identify the quality that describes our current state of being, and then to discuss what word describes what you wanted it to be going forward. That would be the essence of what we pursued. For me, competency has been my bane of my existence. It’s very sad to examine how many things I have done striving after this underlying ego-pleasing reward. And when you are especially plunged in the middle of this awkwardly new, synchronized swimming experience of a grad school, of course you want to be the one with the most graceful and eye-pleasing motions. But really, it’s synchronized swimming, so who cares?

It’s been a difficult battle leaning on Trust. To Trust His time, to Trust His presence in the rain, to Trust that the sun will shine brightly again. And, that there will be Peace. And I’m curious to ask myself, when I do things will I choose Competent or will I choose Trust?

I’m not the most perfect photographer, I never shoot RAW and I choose not to edit my photos. And to be honest, I don’t even want to be Photographer, capital P. But I want to BE more than DO in this season of life, and watch this beautiful life that all begins with Trust.

The long race ahead…

This week I rediscovered running. What used to be an guilt-induced activity to help boost my ego and take away one of the flubs on my belly (TMI?) has now become somewhat of a metaphor to help me regulate life.

The past few weeks of school have been overwhelming, to say the least. I’m not the first one to talk about the crazy meet and greets, and subsequent story-tellings, since we are of course in a program for therapists. Not to say it wasn’t good, helpful, or even therapeutic. But that combined with the rounds of pressing theological and psychological questions (“What does this mean about you? What does this mean about God?”) shot at us day after day can definitely make an eager girl feel worn out.

In the midst of all this, I’m trying to find some perspective. It’s been so easy for me to measure who I want to become and how I will develop based off of the things that are surrounding me in the here and now, especially since I don’t have anything else. But, of course, that’s not the point.

Last week, one of the women at my small group prayed over me. She began to describe a swimmer in a competition. She said that she saw me swimming laps in the pool, but constantly looking over my shoulder to see where my competitors were instead of focusing on reaching the end of the pool. Little did this woman know how defeated I felt after having a not so great experience in my clinical lab (where we practice being therapists), or that I was feeling very ungrounded and disoriented.

I think this is why running has helped me. Running has helped me to focus on the here and now. I get so task sometimes that all I can think about is when I will be done. It takes me  good ten minutes or so to realize that I love the cool crisp morning air and the overabundance of greenery that are NOT palm trees!! I’m forced to regulate my breathing when I’m anxious, look ahead and not know exactly what will happen or where I’m going, but enjoy being in the moment.

And I’m not the fastest, and yes often times I’ll stop to walk. This morning I turned my ankle and had a chance to sit and enjoy outside before I started again. But at least now I’m focusing on my direction instead of speed, and resting in God’s own timing instead of my own.

Intro: VIETNAM

July 7th – 22nd will find me in Vietnam. I’m supposed to be writing my mission letter right now, but somehow it seems daunting. I don’t know what is about mission letters, but I’m always trying to write a different sort of one that people will want to hang on to. Maybe that’s just a terrible selfish challenge, but it’s true.

Funny enough, the reason why I ended up going to Vietnam this summer is this:  I had no reason not to go.  I had no money,  no job, but really had no excuse not to. And really, praise the Lord. In previous summers I had enough baggage to say ‘I’m not well-equipped’ or ‘It’s only for Holy people.’ This year, I prayed for jobs that would allow me the two weeks off so that I could go. A couple weeks later, I had them. I was in disbelief….but belief…because you know, it had happened. He’s just that good.

I’ve never been to Vietnam, but my grandparents’ generation lived there for a short period while escaping China and before coming to the U.S. I’ve heard stories of their siblings that I’ve never gotten to meet because they died en route. In addition to my familial connection, I feel a strange historical tug to the tragedies of this nation. Maybe it’s because I’ve taken American history and heard recounts of the Vietnam War from both my dad and grandfather. Or, maybe it’s because the ladies in the nail salons ask if I actually am Vietnamese.

Real letter to follow shortly. Also, a little visa photo ridiculousness. Judge how well I will fit in for yourself.

Anchor.

The following is an excerpt from one of my MFT essays. It’s been a couple of months since I wrote this, but I find that already I’ve already lost touch with the spirit and heart of what I’ve written and dreamed. I don’t exactly remember what happened, but I sat down to finish the vague question, ‘Describe your goals for emotional and interpersonal growth,’ took a deep breath, and this is what I came out with. I remember re-reading in amazement, so surprised that I had this somewhere  inside.

I believe an MFT needs to hear the voice of God more clearly than that of man’s experience. I hope to develop interpersonal connections that allow the discovery of root issues while remaining emotionally supportive to facilitate healing.

In the next few years, I desire to develop the following:

• Humility before the Lord in order to hear His heart and be an intercessor for others.
• Leadership learned by first examining my own heart and wholeness in relationships, and then by serving others.
• Participation in rigorous academic training to integrate Christian thought and scientific practice in order to develop a maturity later reflected in clinical work.
• A greater respect, compassion, and understanding for as many personalities and varying cultural/economic backgrounds as possible.
• Commitment to do my best for every client, to see each setback as a learning experience, and make the most of each opportunity I am granted.

God has  freed me from self-judgments and expectations, and I’ve found the freedom to hear His voice. I have learned the Biblical significance of emotional wholeness in relationships through the process of forgiveness. I will no longer simply empathized with people’s pain, but will envision the potential transformational work of the gospel in their lives.

Analogy

Analogy (from Greek ”ἀναλογία” – analogia, “proportion”):  a cognitive process of transferring information or  meaning from a particular subject (the analogue or source) to another particular subject (the target).

Things.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the things that I own. When you don’t have a real job and your primary goal every day is to study for the GREs, I can’t help that my eyes wander and I take inventory of my stuff. I’m sort of a purger by nature, so when I look, I’m subconsciously shifting through 1) things that I want to keep, because they mean something to me and 2) things that I can give away, since they’ve either served their purpose, or I’ve outgrown them. For instance, on my small bookshelf I’ve retained high school/college journals, Super Natural Cooking, A History of Anthropological Theory, One for the Money (a gift from my good friend Jessica Stewart). Out the door two years ago were most of my Economics textbooks. I think most purgers function like this.

Last week, Kairos held a week-long fast. On the very last night of the fast, during a personal time of prayer and reflection, I felt like God was clearly saying to me ‘I will define the things that you love. The things that you naturally love , I may not keep in your life to love. And things that you do not naturally love, I will call you to love.’ I was sort of shaken up, and immediately thought of all the things that I love [insert picture of snowboard here], that God would be taking away from me. And I was devastated. I thought of all the things in my room that mean so much, like the brooches my brother brought me from Canterbury, England that belonged to someone’s grandma’s grandma. And my old stuffed animals. And anything that I thought I had created a relevant attachment to. Purgers are good at getting rid of things, but there is a clear line between those things we love and those things that we don’t. It is difficult, at least for me, to get rid of things that I love. In that aspect, I can’t really say that I’m good at purging. However, it was clear to me that God asks us to ‘prune’ instead of purge, the difference being who is the authority on what is seed, and what is dross.

I’ve often asked myself what sort of goals/dreams I have for the future. Some of them include packing up and leaving, being a missionary somewhere else and leaving all (or most) of my material things behind. I thought in that drastic of a move and bold faith in having nothing would definitely prepare me for being in the mission field. I’ve been realizing, however, how black and white my thinking is, and how difficult it is living in the gray. For a follower of Christ, it is not simply the act of giving up and selling your belongings, but valuing something else so much more. And in terms of Things, I’m learning that to truly learn to have something, you must learn to share it first. Because in this life, renting is okay, buying is okay, and owning anything means you really don’t own it at all.

Seattle In So Many Words

I never thought I could picture myself living long-term anywhere but in California, but Washington blew me away. I love the greenage, the fog, the overcast skies, the food, the coffee…! Most of our time was spent eating, cappuccino sipping, driving, and getting Jenn settled in her new townhouse near U Dub. Initially, Esther was supposed to come with us, however b/c of certain events that included an extended stay in Sacrament w/ Jess Lee & her parents (so gracious!), she had to fly back to SD for work. Travelling third wheel may not seem appealing to some, however Jenn let me pretend I was their photographer, and there is some awesomeness in placing yourself behind a camera and document in a new place.

Thanks Jenn & Fred for inviting me on your adventure, and Estra we missed you!

I’m living the blog writer’s dream

So, today is my first day of official unemployment. Happy Joblessness to me! And for the first day ever, I’m getting to live the life that I’ve envied for so long: wake up at a somewhat godly hour (8:30am), coffee, fresh nectarines from the farmer’s market, drive to my new ‘workspace’ aka Grandpa’s house out in the Oakland hills, scrounge for succulents, and generally ponder life. I think I’ll be savoring every moment of this week at home. I wonder if this is what housewife-ness is like?

Monday:  Terrarium for Sarah Louise

At the same time…I’m more thinking about if this can go on for awhile, if I even want life to go on like this for awhile, if paying bills is more important that figuring out and following dreams, and even the general source of my contentedness in life at the moment. I’m so fortunate to be able to take this space inbetween jobs. For the record – a little over a month ago I had no idea I was leaving my job at all, despite the continual stress, and exactly three weeks ago, I gave my boss my 2 weeks. It’s been an incredible month of learning & growth.

I’ve been thinking about this quarter life crisis. You can read more in here (thanks Jason). The most depressing part of that article is the 1/2 paragraph wrap up it gives at the end, as to how to solve this crisis:  f-ing grow up. How sad. Don’t know if this is what they actually mean, but I intend on fighting throw this ‘crisis’ and ripping it apart to its bare bones in order to get through. If mid-20s life is as miserable as this article sounds, then having Jesus in our lives should make it as radically different as possible, because that is just what He does, and I intend on finding this.

I don’t know what the results will be for this upcoming week, I don’t even know what my goals are except that I don’t want to waste it. Time is so precious. What I don’t want it to be is a poor excuse to finally get around to having consistent quiet times / prayer times. There won’t be a retreat high, there has to be a life change. Not to say that I won’t be reading & praying…!

What I do want it to be – if my current stumbling block in life is to find some life path & goal that will bring me some sense of worldly peace & comfort, and thinking about venues of banking vs. a creative life will help me attain this, then it’s just not good enough. If I want to find a real peace & purpose in life so that no matter what venue I go through I am content, this is a much bigger deal, and seems very idealistic and somewhat impossible. I’m not praying for a path, I’m praying for a change of heart. I’m not asking to have my skills clearly identified or the perfect resume, I’m asking for God’s peace to move forward and beyond the typical stumbling blocks of life.

Faux Bridal: Arti

This weekend Dippany invited me to a shoot set up for Arti!! Dips (otherwise known as Tiffany) glamorized Arti with a gorgeous vintage Betsey Johnson-ish wedding gown, and all of the accessories. Arti, who is recently engaged (!) is so naturally beautiful and we had so much fun. I can’t believe how much I miss dressing up, going out, stretching your imagination and pretending to be someone else even for a short while. And Dippany has such brilliant creative design, and is so artsy that I love hanging around her and her inspiration.

On another note…I’ve realized that even though I love framing in regards to taking photos, my exposures suck. Sooo…I would like to look into a class that will help me work the kinks out b/c my haphazard ‘trial & error’ shooting for the past year has made me lose a number of shots that I would have loved otherwise if they weren’t so blown out.

So thanks to – Arti & Dippany for such an awesome Labor Day afternoon. Be sure to be on the lookout very soon for Dippany and my Etsy store (that we have YET to open….it was our goal for the summer!!). We will call it Dips & Sharx!! (Well that’s my vote, anyway.)

Arti, posted with vodpod